Et tu, Doctor?

I was at the doctor's office for my final follow up post my surgery. He asked me if I had been snoring more, and I told him I wouldn't know because I was asleep, but the neighbors weren't complaining.
The conversation then went like this:
Are you married?
No...
Do you have a boyfriend?
No...
A roommate?
No. I live alone.
A friend had interrogated me similary before, and added, "Not even a dog?"
He asked me why I wasn't married, and noted people my age were getting married when they are older. As if that's something I haven't desired wholeheartedly for years. As if I'm not tired of my mom asking me when she's going to get grandchildren. I don't even want a wedding, just a great marriage. I used to wish I had been born in a country that had arranged marriages.
I didn't tell him I had been engaged in college. But my ex and I were, in two words, unequally yoked. I thank God often that the relationship ended when it did. I thought another man would never be interested in me, but I've realized I'd rather be single than to have to compromise my values in order to be with someone. About five years later, I haven't been on one date since, but my relationship with God has grown greatly.
Sometimes I think, would it really be so horrible if I never married? If that was God's will for my life. I could always come and go as I please, and would be better off financially without kids, among other things. I'd be spared of those troubles Paul talked about and be able to completely focus on pleasing God, my first love. I've been single the majority of my life, and the company isn't that bad. I'm an introvert so I don't mind doing things alone. Not sure if I am being selfish, but just a realist in those moments. For whatever reason men aren't interested in me enough to pursue, and I can't do much about that. I vowed never to show more interest in a guy than he shows in me again. When I like someone, I go above and beyond for them, which guys have taken advantage of in the past. While I still will, but not because I'm desperate due to self worth issues anymore. I've made men idols, but I've repented and been delivered from that.
But then there are days when I come home from a long day's work and just wish I could hug someone and vent. Or the desire for children that would outlive me creeps in. And I remember my dream deferred.
I've fantasized about meeting the perfect guy countless times. The one who'll never let me down, who understands me completely, would die for me, the whole 9 yards. I've searched crowds for his face. But I'm learning who my Mr. Perfect really is, Jesus. He already died for me. He's even jealous for me! My future husband, on his best day, like me, is a sinner deserving of hell. He'll probably have some habits I can't stand either and vice versa. Especially if I do snore. But thank God for grace. I have to trust that He will bring us together in His perfect timing.

The Decision

So I've decided against locing my hair for now. The cost (time and money) is too high for me currently. During my consultation the trichologist recommended cutting most of my hair off and starting fresh. I suggested doing gradual cuts but she said I would get the most benefit from cutting it all off at the same time. I bought some of the hair products she makes. After a lot of thinking over the weekend I called her and made an appointment for the 17th to cut it off. At the end of the day, I want my hair to be healthy over long. I know this time around I want to commit to regular trims and do natural protein and moisture treatments. I also want to be just healthier overall by drinking more water, exercising regularly, and watching my diet. My biggest concern is what's preventing the same the issues I've been having from happening again after it's cut off. My hair care regimens have improved through research over the years, but what if that's not enough? What it's due to something beyond my control like hard water? 1 Peter 5:7 tells me to cast my anxieties on my Creator, because He cares for me. I am cutting my hair in faith that it will grow back healthier than it has ever been. But long or short, He loves me just as I am.

This is hard for me to deal with because cutting off my hair seems counterproductive to growing it longer. I remember wanting my hair to be long for most of my life. I guess I associated long (and straight before I went natural) hair with femininity. I need to let go of that. Biblical femininity does not have to do with external things like looks, or preferences like loving pink. It deals with the heart, having a gentle and quiet spirit. (1st Peter 3:4). What pleases Him the most is what's on the inside. And if that's good enough for God, then it should be good enough for me. In fact, God told Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." when he was looking for the next king.  That's something I really love about God. His standards never change, while culture might like bell bottoms one day and skinny jeans the next. I would drive myself crazy trying to keep up with and please the world. When my hair was short in the past I felt unattractive, and feeling that way probably made me seem more that way than how I actually looked. I am going to try to be more confident this time around.Who knows, maybe I will get hooked on the low maintenance and want to keep it short!